Makin’ Shine Money

As promised, here’s an article just for Rhys.

How do you make money running ‘shine from revenuers in a bright orange General Lee (’69 charger)?

Well after a few days of in-depth research I have some serious doubts about the fiscal stability of the Duke’s of Hazzard’s business model. After cross referencing the standard takings of an outfit of moonshiners with the recent reality television series Moonshiners, I have been able to determine that the Duke’s would be in the red by about $22.4 million in their first year alone.

Here’s why:

In six years on the air 309 General Lee’s were destroyed, mostly during record-breaking jump sequences. The most recent auction price for a genuine General was $440,000. So that’s $22,660,000 per year.

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A well fitted out shinin’ crew stands to make up to $200,000 tax free. Not a bad haul but that’s two and a half years before you can even pay off your first General. Not to mention the price of copper really restricting your still size! I won’t point out the far right column, speaks for itself.

A side business as a scrap metal dealer could offset some of your costs and give you access to cheap copper but that’s maybe $300,000 per year. Even with the collectibility of ’69 charger parts.

Perhaps moonlighting as a stunt driver could sort you out for another $85,000 but this isn’t looking good.

Not to mention the degree of inbreeding necessary to be truly classed as an “Appellation-American” so that you can blend in to the local scene. I have a feeling us Aussies might stick out like a sore thumb. (Ha!)

So maybe you can sell your stories to network reality television and get them to contribute the cost of every car you wreck? Maybe even get sponsorship?

You know like a NASCAR driver!

Yeah! NASCAR!

You might be pretty easy to identify for the police but your car would look cool! Something like this:

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You could even get $10,000 per annum for tattooing a brand on your forehead!

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After all that I calculate you would only need $18.9 million annually to support your habit of being a hill-billy moonshiner…

Imagine the tax offset you could claim on that if your business was legal! You’d be some kind of Skase-Bond love child, only instead of stealing from people you’d just be using tax based incentives. Maybe you should invest in property syndicates? Or at least start one!

Either way bro it looks like TV style moonshinin’ ain’t gonna cut it as a real revenue stream. Sorry to break the news, however in complete confidence that only the Internet can provide; there’s a market for moonshine in this here country just not one for the Duke’s.

A huge thanks to Tank Monsternova for these awesome illustrations! I’ll try and get the rights off Rhys to write Ryz ‘n Shine the comic book with Tank as the artist, she’s amazing and you all should get your infographics and illustrations done by her.

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Bar owner, coffee roaster, mixologist of the molecular and enthusiast of all things grape, grain, sugar, honey and yeast related.